Postpartum Adventures - My First Day Alone With Isla
3:49 PM
On Monday morning Isla smiled at me for the first time, awake and cooing. It was so special. It was our first day on our own just the two of us, as Scott had gone back to work. We had a lovely morning and I was so excited to tell Scott when he got home how great it went on our first day.
A few hours later she pooed through 4 diapers in 5 minutes and also left a present on the change table pad too. This was in the midst of her sudden onset of afternoon fussing, when she screamed at everything in sight including my boobs and cried for two hours. I cried too.
This suddenly reminds me - a few days back I discovered one of my dogs pooed in the front entrance. There is probably a good chance it is still there. I haven't really left my bed overall for almost three weeks with the exception of a bbq and a few errands, which were regretted when I discovered I completely tore all my episiotomy stitches and had to be restitched and start healing all over again. Not a good discovery. Back to bed I went...this time taking it very serious.
My bedroom is currently outfitted with a card table covered in food and a coffee machine. Beside the table is a mini fridge with a toaster on top. I'm camping out watching movies and cuddling Isla and trying to solve the puzzle of "what does baby want?" along with "if I reach for that chocolate, will she wake up?" Usually when she cries the answer is food, occasionally it's a diaper change, and sometimes it seemingly is "permission to scream irrationally until my mommy loses her mind." But she honestly is a good baby. She gives us really good sleep at night and that is the best gift right now, even if she is fussy during the day, which she usually isn't.
On Monday night after I fed her, I got myself settled into bed for the night and took out my hair tie to release my messy bun. A piece of a granola bar wrapper fell out of my hair. I laughed at how quickly I've become a hot mess. I really wanted to shower but that just wasn't happening despite how much I dreamed about it. Scott came home around 6pm to a whole lot that needed to happen (his shower, dinner, the restoration of my sanity, etc.) and Isla was also being fussy and cluster feeding. There was no way I could excuse myself for 15 minutes. Thankfully the next night I was able to shower and the one after that Isla and I took a bath together...so things have improved as the week went on. I should mention that bathing with a newborn is terrifying. The whole time I am just praying to high heaven that she doesn't poop on me in the bath lol.
There is a lot of guilt that comes with caring for a newborn. Right now it's "am I a terrible person for dreading when my baby wakes up?" Honestly, sleeping peaceful babies are the best medicine for the new moms soul. It is the worst sound in the world to hear your baby scream. Oh, and it makes our boobs hurt.
Some days you've just gotta claim your victory: the baby is still alive. I'm still sane. We are doing good, even if I have garbage in my hair and am covered in days of milk and baby puke. Being a mom is my new full time job. As much as you can think you are ready, you're not. But then you become ready...because you have to be and your baby needs you.
There is a lot of adjusting taking place but when she makes all her cute noises and expressions it really is the sweetest thing and melts away all the crazy. When she sleeps on me she wraps her arms around me and holds on. Her eyes look for me now when she hears my voice. She likes to hold on to me while she nurses and when she sits and looks at me she loves to hold my finger. She is definitely a cuddly baby which I am in love with.
It's so bizarre to go through photos of my pregnancy now that Isla is here and the mystery of "who is this baby inside me and what does she look like?" has been solved. Everywhere I stood, she was there. It really blows my mind. It's a love you can't even fathom until you feel it. Motherhood really is a totally different reality...it's like burying your old life and starting a new one along with your baby. I currently have my laptop on my lap while she naps and it feels like a miracle. I wrote out all these thoughts on my phone while Isla slept in my arms but now she is currently napping in her bassinet long enough for me to get this post together. Again, it's all about small victories, one day at a time. Today I kept Isla pretty happy so far and I also put on clothes. This first week alone with her while Scott is gone for 11-12 hours has actually gone quite well! When I can walk around again and go places, I imagine things will get a lot easier too. I've basically been having a "lazy day in bed" for way too long and it's making me so stir crazy. I am so excited to be able to take her for walks and drives - basically we just need to get out of the house! I am also excited for lots of time spent in the backyard and am currently looking for a pop-up sun shade for her.
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