I received this mug as a gift from my mom shortly after announcing to my family our pregnancy. Back then May seemed so far away and the thought of the end of my pregnancy seemed such a great distance to imagine. I remember my parent's excitement actually making me really nervous. What if I lost this pregnancy too and everyone grew afraid that I will never meet any of my babies? The fears were so real and strong back in those days but the hopes were strong too. Today is May 1st and as I pulled this mug out of my cupboard for my half a cup of coffee ritual, I was a little stunned to realize we are "here".

Where is "here"?

Here is full term. Here is a a healthy baby. Here is a healthy mama. Here is the hope of birthing at home. Here is worries and fears amounting to nothing. Here is anticipating the next few weeks with excitement and uncertainty. Here is a faithful God. Here is the end of a 5 year journey. Here is the promise we held onto that we would become parents someday.

I am so thankful to be here.

People keep asking me if I am "done" and I hesitate to put into words how I feel. Last night I was super sick all through the night and have started feeling the end of pregnancy weight that is your body feeling worn out and just constantly sore in most ways possible. It is easy to want to wish it all away but I pause and reflect on how far this little girl has come and how much I've treasured this time. Even though most moments these days I feel meh to pretty dang worn out on the physical scale, I still can't completely say I am "done" with the pregnancy. I will likely miss being pregnant as soon as I have that realization that I can no longer feel her in my tummy. Pregnancy has given me such a comfort and sense of peace because it is a dream I never knew if I would see fulfilled and here it is, in all it's fullness :) Truthfully, each stage of life is hard and it's your attitude that either makes or breaks you. School is hard, relationships are hard, finding your career is hard, planning a wedding is hard, (for some) getting pregnant is hard, pregnancy is hard, birth is hard, raising kids is hard. I don't really know when and why we came to expect things to be easy. I don't know when we came to the conclusion that hard is bad. Anything worth having is hard. The tough things we face give us the opportunity to become better people. I think we need to stop wishing away the hard and start wishing for the character and strength to face and overcome the challenges each season brings. The hardest thing of all is finding joy in the everyday, ordinary existence of just being. So I am aiming to just be thankful and find joy where I can, among the challenges.

That being said, I would be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly anxious about all the changes that are about to unfold. It's a lot of change very fast. But I am also so excited. It's just a crazy blend of emotions around here right now. As I've become a lot larger and baby has been squishing me and making me feel crushed with my twisted rib situation, my anxiety has reared its ugly head more often which makes me angry. Thankfully talking through how I feel with the hubby, applying essential oils, and trying to think positive, happy thoughts makes a big difference. I have to remind myself I am not a failure for facing this battle, I only fail when I refuse to fight and give in.

These past few days I've been doing lots to prep my body for birth and to hopefully help speed things along once they start. It's funny though because when I reflect on speeding things up I remember my birth team are an hour drive away and usually take probably an hour to stop what they are up to and prep to leave for a birth, so in general the earliest they would be here is two hours after we call. We are instructed not to call until a certain point of progression. So while I was once terrified of NOT progressing, I am now wondering what happens if baby comes before the team gets here? Lol! I know it's so not likely but it's fun that my thoughts have shifted from things not going well to going almost too well. I am honestly really curious to see how this all goes down. Most importantly I am just trying not to have a plan and just stay positive and prepped for a lot of outcomes. A hospital birth is not at all a big disappointment in my mind...some days it sounds appealing in certain ways, so I know either birth location will be fine with me. Home just seems cozier and easier to feel safe and comfortable. I can even take a bath in early labour and then transition to the birth pool later if I feel more comfortable in water. We are already planning to put The Office on while contractions are still light and settle up in bed for awhile watching TV. The music playlist is gonna be mostly Classic Rock (no Enya is allowed). So it will certainly be an unconventional home birth!

As soon as we have some window light and the dark rainy weather lets up, I plan to photograph the nursery to give a full tour and story behind it! So you can expect that this week!