Embracing Change

5:03 PM

I just wanted to write out the progress so far and all that I have been feeling and thinking about so far in this pregnancy :) I am sure it will be fun to look back on down the road too.

I am now 15 1/2 weeks pregnant and finally getting over the nausea phase...which I cannot be more thankful for! Woooo! I still have little visits from the nausea monster here or there but the best way for me to have described it was I felt like I had the flu for two months. Throwing up is kind of the point where on the outside looking in, people really start feeling bad for you because throwing up sucks but honestly the nausea BEFORE the throwing up started was wayyyy worse because I just couldn’t get relief. I just felt terrible 24/7 but nothing would help. I tried everything - naps, little snacks, ginger tea, resting, etc. The only thing that helped was sniffing my peppermint essential oil but I only did that when I was out of the house and desperate as there is conflicting information about how safe peppermint oil is in pregnancy - so if I was home and could afford to just feel bad, I would leave it. My food aversions were so bad I couldn’t even look at pictures of food on Pinterest or step foot in a grocery store or restaurant because of the smells of food. It was definitely an intense time! To sit here and feel like I am finally free of that is such a relief haha. When you’re in the thick of it, it just feels like it won’t ever end and you can’t remember what it feels like to want food and not be completely sick feeling at the sight or thought of it.

The whole time despite feeling so yucky I was able to stay happy, simply because I was still so thankful that being sick was a great sign all my levels were high and baby was okay. The autumn was kind of a write-off for doing much and I mostly stayed in my house, on the couch lol. What a change of emotions from my summer - where I mostly stayed home in grieving of my miscarriage. The seasons certainly have taken us from mourning to joy.

So basically my body is just going through a whole lot of changes! I feel very balanced though. The pregnancy hormones haven’t affected me too much, I think because in general my hormones are very low and out of whack so I am generally inclined to be more unaffected than overemotional. So with the pregnancy hormones added in I do feel more emotional, but really just feel like a normal person with feelings haha…which is great. I actually don’t think I’ve ever felt better emotionally! I just feel very grounded, very level. Over the past few weeks I had started developing migraines which I didn’t get for the first two months of pregnancy (which was surprising as I usually get them every 1-2 weeks). I am not exactly sure why second trimester has brought headaches with it but I try to drink tons of water and am very thankful for my M-Grain essential oil which I apply to my temples and back of neck. It’s such a relief. In the evenings I usually have indigestion which can make me feel pretty out of it, but I usually just curl up on the couch in the TV room to a good movie and rub my stomach and try to feel better naturally. I haven’t taken any over the counter meds or prescriptions this whole pregnancy other than my fertility treatment drugs which I stopped at 12 weeks, so it feels good to be managing everything naturally and giving my body the time to flush out everything I put in it through treatment.

After 12 weeks I was able to start using my safe essential oils again, so I am stoked about that! Having my diffuser going in my house is one of my favourite things, especially around the holidays. I have been so blessed to still not get a cold or sore throat or anything while pregnant, which I know is because of our use of Thieves oil in our house.  When you’re pregnant, you are more susceptible to germs because your immune system is turned down low so it doesn’t attack baby. Even still, I didn’t pick anything up! So yes, I’ve definitely been sick in some ways but grateful I also didn’t have to combat any viruses or anything while also dealing with the nausea. Always a silver lining!

Last week I started having my sleep patterns change quite drastically. I started waking up every 30-45 minutes all night long, which was really taxing really fast….lol. After two nights like that, I felt like I couldn’t handle another night like that! I figured I would try diffusing some oils for sleep and see if that helped, but really my problem was being super uncomfortable in bed. Our bed is a soft memory foam, which is normally so cozy, but in the past week it’s started not feeling firm enough to support my back. I have a pretty weak lower back, probably from editing all the time, and now that my stomach is starting to grow, I think it’s adding pressure on my lower back. So at night I would toss and turn with my back bothering me and I knew I really needed a pregnancy pillow to help me get comfortable. Last Friday, Nate surprised me with an early birthday present that Katherine helped him get for me - my pregnancy pillow! I was so excited! And have slept so much better since then :) My birthday is on Saturday, so it came a week early but was a very great early surprise.

Every day that I wake up and see my belly has grown a little bit, the more excited I get. I am so grateful that life just so had me wait to get pregnant until I was over my body insecurity issues. I used to think so superficially and was healed from that toxic thinking over the past few years. I definitely believe in taking care of yourself 100%, and so for me it would never even be healthy to be overweight because I don’t have any diseases causing weight gain. So I definitely believe in taking care of my body by aiming to eat well and stay active. However, what I am saying is that I used to really fear what pregnancy would do to me - all the marks and tugs and loose skin and changes to your breasts and butt and just all of it! I was terrified of gaining weight and losing confidence. I referred to pregnancy as “wrecking your body.” Now after a few years of pouring positive body image thinking into my life and not letting any of that negative thinking win in my thoughts, I am just amazed at what my body is doing. It makes me stand in awe sometimes in the mirror that my body knows exactly what to do, exactly what needs to change to be a mom and to create this life inside of me. It actually makes me tear up to think about. Of course I am not excited about pain in childbirth, but I also think about that in the same light - it’s just incredible what our bodies can do. For years I had a *terrible* relationship with my body because I was so mad at it that it wasn’t getting pregnant and doing what I wanted it to. I was filled with a lot of negative thoughts, which I think is probably very normal in that situation. However, I was able to get over that in the past year or so and started really appreciating my body and feeling way less insecure about bathing suits and stretch marks and cellulite and stuff like that. It’s easy to say we are trained to hate our bodies and in many ways as we grow up, we are. However, as adults, we have control over what feeds our body image. It isn’t just not feeding it bad things, you can still starve like that. You have to feed your mind good, empowering things! I started following some positive Instagram accounts that fed me some really body-positive stories, found great blogs that empower women to accept ourselves for all that we are, and I followed a lot of positive Pinterest accounts with great inspiring quotes that really feed my soul. So I think what goes into our mind everyday is important. It either plants seeds of acceptance or hatred, and that includes towards ourselves.

So I am excited to see my body change. And yes, I am aware that not all changes are pretty! But why does everything have to be pretty? Maybe it’s more important to be helpful, or needed, or productive. My body knows what it’s doing. I am thankful for every change I will experience that is life-giving to this baby. I will take them all :) I will not be ashamed of my body - it is powerful and can perform miracles. Very little great things have ever been accomplished without giving way to change. As my body and the seasons gracefully give way to change, I will remind my heart and mind to try to catch up! Everything happens in its timing and God’s timing is perfect, this I know. I thought I was ready for kids four years ago, but I look back and laugh. God knew what work still needed to be done in me. Maybe there is something you are aching for so badly, and you think you are ready, and you feel you deserve it, and yet it isn’t happening. I would love to encourage you that we only see in parts - yesterday and today, not tomorrow. You don’t know what battles you are being prepared for, or what weeds still need to be pulled out of your life, or who you will help because of your times of struggle. God knows. There is a purpose to it all - and I even would boldly say that despite the heartbreak we all face, the plan is still a good one to come. Always. So hold on and keep focusing on your own growth. There is a quote I found this past summer after my miscarriage that said “you have been assigned this mountain so you can show others it can be moved.” When I look back at my life and all the trials I have faced, great or small, I see that through all of it, I can still testify to God’s goodness and faithfulness, all the moreso because of what I have been through. I pray it is the same for everyone reading this! Look for Him. You will find Him.

So as I spend a lot of time reflecting and feeling so grateful for this gift, I am also looking to God for help. I don’t have a sweet clue what I am doing, #1. Yes, I babysat a lot of my life and have always loved kids and wanted to be a mom, but the newborn life will be a complete adjustment for sure (though I know it is for everyone). I am used to a very selfish schedule in the sense that I just set most of my own hours for work and sleep and play and I get to completely control that. I know once baby comes, someone else will be setting my schedule ;) Haha. I am excited though. I have run my own life for a long time and enjoyed all the freedom that comes with that. I am ready to give up my freedom to give the best life and adventures and memories to my little one. I also am looking to God with faith that our finances will sort themselves out. It is both of our hearts that I will stay at home with our kids. That isn’t to say I won’t also work, as my photography and oils business are things I can do evenings and weekends and all that, but it’s a desire in both of us to not be overly packed busy with “stuff” and rather to really enjoy our children and home life and really aim to keep me home as much as we can afford. Some people can’t even imagine staying home - but I already work from home so basically I will be subtracting as many of my work responsibilities as I can, and adding in my parenting responsibilities. We have been wondering how it will all work out, since I don’t get anything for mat leave and none of our long-time friends or family work close enough to babysit for us. We don't know how long our renter BFF's will be here and definitely don't want to put it on anyone that they HAVE to babysit for us because we have no other options. (In case you didn't know, we have 4 friends who currently live in our home/addition apartment.) However, even in these beginning stages where we are just wondering how it will work out, who we will have to help us, and worrying about our budget, Scott has already been blessed by a raise at work that he didn’t ask for or see coming! God is good! I am sure this is just a sample of what’s to come - I know it will work out. We are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work to provide for our family, but right now we are bringing our “ideal” to the forefront and doing whatever we can to try to make that work before we look at other options! We really don’t care if people think we are crazy - in fact, it would be very strange for us if people didn’t think we were crazy!

Here are a few photos from recently :)

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  1. Eeeek, look how cute your baby bean is in his or her first photo! Darling!! Yes, your schedule will change but it will be so wonderful! God has placed a desire to nurture in a woman's heart - if you ever need encouragement, look to your good friends who have been there/done that and know the blessings of child-raising for the Lord. The world does not know this blessing and shuns it.((Hugs))


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