“The Lord is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.” {Psalm 118:14}
Please note: this post contains sensitive content about fertility, pregnancy, and similar topics.
Last night, we announced on our social media accounts the official news: we are expecting another baby next February. We are so excited and full of gratitude that God has blessed us with another child to love. Isla has added so much to our family and has been the best “first child” to bless our home that we could have ever imagined. We are filled with curiosity and anticipation at the wonder and mystery around this new baby: What will they be like? Will they look quite a lot like Isla or quite different? Will the labour be totally different this time? Will it be a boy or another girl? What will life be like with two wild wonders roaming the home?
We know through all these questions that currently lack answers, that God has perfectly chosen a child for our family and has aligned all the details and eventually it will all just make sense, just like our life with Isla does now when before we could only imagine what being parents would be like.
I am 2 days away from 12 weeks pregnant. I know many people following our story and history will be very curious at how this came to be and we are happy (overjoyed in fact) to share that this pregnancy was actually conceived without fertility treatment or medication. I want to make a point of saying that this news is a victory for us on this long journey but it also doesn’t make this pregnancy any more special than our first two, though it certainly is very special. God has His purposes for every road we journey on. This current situation is a miracle to us…but conceiving the baby we lost early on and then conceiving Isla (with much help) was also such a beautiful miracle and answer to prayer. At that time we went down the road we felt led to pursue… fertility treatment was absolutely a part of our healing journey. With a change of heart this year, I was really seeking God about the next steps for us. The peace and assurance I felt when pursuing treatment was no longer the same. When thinking about the possibility of that road again, I didn’t know if I could do it. I kept looking at Isla and telling myself “you can do it” but something just felt off. I can’t even explain it. I knew if that was the road I had to journey again I would get there and it would be okay. I fully support fertility treatment and I know it is the miracle that many families need to become parents and we are blessed with such wisdom in modern medicine to help overcome certain physical factors that affect fertility. I want to clarify I didn’t have a change of heart towards the whole process, I just suddently felt incredibly unsure for myself if it was what I was meant to do again and I couldn’t explain why. This opened up a lot of questions in my heart that I knew we had to really pray about…but before we totally were able to face those and get to any conclusions, I became pregnant! What a blessing and surprise! I now look back at those feelings of uneasiness and I know it was the Lord, gently prompting me that He had a different plan this time but not totally ruining the surprise.
So more specifics…
My cycles have not been at all regular as i am still breastfeeding but my ovulation symptoms have been impossible to ignore, and therefore tracking ovulation for the first time ever in my life was so super easy. I ovulated around Mother’s Day, 34 days into my cycle (which at a fertility clinic would have been considered a bust for any procedure, they would have cancelled the cycle) and so i expected a period around day 50 which never came. I wasn’t honestly expecting any pregnancy news but was feeling very off around day 50 and initially assumed PMS symptoms but something just felt “different” and I decided to take a test. I was absolutely shocked to see two lines, though one was quite faint. I actually was so shocked I didn’t believe it and told myself it was an evaporation line, which basically is a false positive. It was the same day we had a fun photoshoot planned with my sister in law Nia who wanted us to dress up in wedding clothes and take some fun boho pics. I was SO excited to get some updated pics in my wedding dress. Well, hilariously my wedding dress that had fit me like a glove two months prior, would not zip up. We ended up breaking the zipper in the process, and less hilariously, I had to CUT myself out of it to get it off. I had to improvise last second to put together a different outfit and had to quickly get over my mourning of my wedding dress (which is fixable…but yang…after 8 yrs….it was just a sad outcome). Scott didn’t yet know the test result but my massive bloat going on was pretty funny. I also was SO hot and sweaty when no one else considered it to be hot. I then began to think “wait maybe that line was real…” and tested again the next morning to find a darker line. I decided to tell Scott the news even though I was still in denial. My sister had sent me a romantic preview from the shoot of Scott and I so I edited it to say “My favourite photo of the three of us…yup you read that right” and showed it to him when he got home. He was overjoyed, said he had a feeling I was pregnant, and we just let all the emotions roll in.
This time around I think I would say my first trimester has been a little easier and also a lot more difficult than my first! lol. The easier part is that my nausea comes and goes throughout the day and is mostly only really bad when I have just eaten. With Isla, I was nauseous 24/7 for 10 weeks straight and it was so hard to just feel no relief in sight. This time though, I have been dealing with a few other health issues with my levels which I have been dealing with since postpartum with Isla - low iron, low blood pressure, anemia, etc. so those symptoms mixed with first trimester exhaustion and nausea and adding a toddler into the mix has just brought its own challenges. I have learned to take it one day at a time, and if all that gets done that day is we are alive and fed at the end, then I have done good. I had to wrestle a lot of feelings of failure throughout this time because I see other moms seemingly supermomming it up, getting it all done and more and I feel like a Walking Dead zombie who can hardly carry my toddler for a diaper change. But hey - I do it, it gets done, my house is a mess, dinner is probably take out, and we just make it work! lol. I know that comparing is stupid and everyone’s situations are different. The hardest two week stretch was definitely when Scott took on a side job and wasn’t home Mon-Fri for two weeks, period. Man, I learned how much I could do and had to push through in that time. And I made it! Somehow. No idea how actually…but we are here! lol. I have a lot more to learn about perseverance and survival once baby two is here and the craziness continues, but I am feeling so accomplished to be near the end of my first trimester and feeling so thankful to have made it and kept my sanity. Nearing the end of first trimester is definitely a happy milestone! Risks of loss go down considerably, symptoms supposedly let up (with Isla it was week 18 so we shall see) and energy is supposed to come back - which will feel fantastic! I am excited for all the changes and to really start showing… I LOVE pregnant bellies.
Ummm so that’s the big update! Quite a big one! As for gender predictors, I think they are pretty divided, with maybe a couple more on the girl side but they are all myths anyways. A TON of people are guessing boy but I think it’s because once you have one gender, I think people just guess the other. I initially thought boy, but then I realized I think my guess was because I also assumed the one + one thing. So now I am totally not sure at all, definitely curious, but am also very seriously considering not finding out and waiting till they hand me my sweet babe! I think I would find it really special. Now to convince Scott who is set on knowing…lol. And no, I am not comfortable with other people knowing if I don’t know - that’s so weird and I don’t like the risk of it slipping. If you think I should wait, let me know and tell me why! I am really leaning that way this time which was a total surprise to me, with Isla I HAD to know. This time I am so chill and excited either way so I think I could wait longer to find out : )
